Mar. 1/94

Dear Journel,

There is an old sayingthat time flys when your having fun, and that has certaintly been the case since Oct. On Wed. Nov. 17/93 I took and passed my road test, twith only 3 mistakes and almost running over the tester. I then proceeded to float home. Made the decission to quite Doubletex by April....but still haven't found another job. Rebecca asked me to be there when she delivered her baby, which she did on Feb. 14/94 at 11:23 pm after a very long and hard birth. I was the first to hold Jeramy Smith whom I named. On Feb. 17/94 I broke two middle fingers at work ( the detailes of such I don't feel like getting into right now ) and I am on workers commpensation for at least 3 to 5 weeks. Rebecca has agreed to study with me, and I hope to have the 3rd study within the next week. So I will have 2 studies to deal with, both with emotional problems like me. Aurthor and I have been getting into fights or arguements alot lately as there isn't much hope of us getting together in the future. I syill haven't hade the shepardinh call yet and I don't think I will in the future eithor....... So you see that life with me has been anything be dull, in fact I can't keep up with it. I have onlt typed in the facts about what has been happening to me, can you imagine how long this would be if I typed in how I thought and felt about it all? If I had to sum it all up the word I would use would be CONFUSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This is the final entry in Kim's Journal

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Oct.31/93

Dear Journel,

There hasen't been a real reason to type in this for a long time but that doesn't mean that alot hasn't happened. I realize that I only type when there is a problem that I can't solve or want to save thoughts of events, not the reason I got this. Last night I went to the ballet for the first time, it was "Sleepng Beauty" and I loved every minute. Lana, from work has agreed to study with me and is making great progress. In the course of a few weeks I have managed to get a sheparding call for Wed. of this week. It's in responce to a request fpr help I made to Br. Navarro when I told him about the child abuse my parents put me throughas a child, they feel one is necessary to help the healing progress. I'm not to crazy about the whole thing and dought if it will do much good but I want to ease their minds so I have agread to go through with it. Good night


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Sept.1/93

Dear Journel,

I realize I should have typed in this sooner but my brain hasen't been there. YOu see there are other things that occupy my mind such as studing and passing my begginers driving test ( this happend on Friday Aug.27/93 at 3:30 pm) and having my first driving lesson this evening at 5pm till 6:30 pm. My brain is fried to say the leased. I never thought that I would be getting my lisence I still can't believe it and I don't know what to do or thing. You know I can't even think. My feelings are all jumbbled and crazy, I feel overwhelmed and confused , scared and grown-up. Grown-up is a good term, a mile stone in life and all that a stone I never thought I would ever reach. The events of the past weeks have left me with the feeling of awe and amasementat myself and the potential of it all. I only hope it has Jehovahs blessings and guidence, only time will tell.


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June 23/93

Dear Journel,

I officially anounce, this evening. the birth Annette and Howards brand new baby boy. He doesen't have a name yet but I know they have to name before they can take him home. The new person was born at 7 am, I recived the news when I got homeafter work. I floated all the way to the hospital, it was only as I held him, as he fell asleep in my arms, that these rush of feelings filled me. I don't know just what they were but they were strong. I kept wanting to feel someing but I could'nt and I don't know why. I feel ashamed to type that. Knowledge, understanding, realization, responsibilityand other feelings that I could't express because Annette's relatives were there. I think she realized I wanted I wanted to talk so she asked me to come tomarrow after work. I want to but she and I both realize I cant and I wont see the baby after today for the next few months. The sad part is I do want to see the baby again. So much for being the favored aunt, but this is someing I mew would happen from the begining.


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May 9/93

Dear Journel,

I have come to realise that there are some things you jusr can't change no matter what. Timw have a funny way of sneaking up on you and catching you off guard to the point you don't know if you are coming or going. I say this because of experience.ie helping Natasha Hicks, and Art Mc. First Natasha, alot of things have been happening with her, she isn't responding to me so I decided to go to her mother and discuss it with her[ which I now feel was a mistake] and I am now very confusing. As for Art, that is another story. I know that there is nothing that is going to changein our relationship [us becoming anything other than freinds] but I am now convinced that the attitudes of others or him. I now don't feel comfortable around him or feel I should have anything to do with him, a good relationship gone down the tubes.


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April 24/93

Dear Journel,
Today has been one very tiring day not to mention confusing. I say that because of what has happened today. I when out with a brother in the service whom I feel an attraction too, unfortunately he doesn't feel the same, and he told me so in many different ways. Comments to some of my questions as well as the topics he brought up such as weight and how he feels about it on women, nothing direct or hurtful but to the point. I'm thankful for that, he made me see how silly I have been lately without emberrising me. I only hope he will consider friendship instead, because I realize I'm not ready for anything else yet with anyone. I have a problem with teaching others so I'm hoping he will help me with that instead. I feel comfortable in talking with him and he reminds me of my fleshly brother in Toronto, whom I don't know very well at all.I hope it all works out in the end and I hope that the sister he is interested in will respond to him and join him here in the service.

Also I have been tacking Natasha out in the service and have descussed with her parents about studing the Live Forever book with her. I haven't heard fron them yet. I have started to get her ready to enter the Theocratic Ministey School, we have been preparing a talk together and will present it to the family when we are finished though we have a deadline of the week of the 17th. I should go I'm tired and have to be up for service tomarrow and get Ingred up, I'm trying to encourage her to get out in the ministry as well. Goodnight.


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April 18/93

Dear Journel,

I always thought that when I got spiritualy strong that things would be easier and that I would be busy helping others, boy have I got alot to learn. For one thing I rarely have time to my self, though some think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not I just have a new set of problems and challenges that I didn't think I'd have. I'm busy 7 days a week, there's never a dull moment. There are times when I feel overwhelmed and I start to wonder if I'm accually making a difference as I look at my personel study that gets left collecting dust or the sewing that needs to be done or the house work that needs to be done or other things that needs to be done, it can get overwhelming sometimes. I must admit I enjoy doing these things for Jehovah and the thought of doing more in the service is a joy and helps keep me steady when things get rough at work, which thay have been lately. I have been asked to tack on a Bible study with a recovering alcaholic so that is to require even more of a change. Brenda and Peter have worned me about keeping a balance and I still depend on themfor stability in my personel life. The changes that I have been making have been happening fast and steady this past while it's hard to keep up but there is so much to do. I sincerly hope I can keep up.


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April 12/93

Dear Journel,

Despite the fact that things have been crazy the past few days, it's good to type in here. My feelings are mixed as I thpye this evening, for you see I had my first study with the Pollocks, among other things. It felt wiered,strainge, confusing and scary all at the same time. The changes I have deen macking thes3e days are numerious and have been spred over short period of time. From encourageing Natasha Hicks, taking her out in service to visiting sick ones in the hospital to going out more in the service, to agreeing to join a family study, to questing the brother who hasn't been conductung the study. I have joined the Pollocks on their family study on Monday nights so you see I have alot to be thank ful for. I am starting to wonder how long this is going to last because I have gone this way before and eventualy I let eveyone down. Some times I scare myself with my thoughts.


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Mar.22/93

Dear Journel,

I just got off the phone with my father I love talking to him, he makes me feel better even though I feel terrible. These past 3 weeks I have had a terrible cold and this past weekend I have been down sick in bed with it, and I mean with the whole shabbang. Barffing, chills, fever, exploding head, the works. Mom told me to stay at home if I feel that bad, I guess I took offence at first but I can understand her reasoning now. She felt that Bill's health was moe important than my sickness, the same old game as before or that ever was, there is nothing she can do for me, I am an adult I should be able to take care of myself especially since I live so far from them. There are time's when I feel like I should give up with trying to keep this family communicating, so very tired.


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Mar.15/93

Dear Journel,

Things have been kind of crazy lately so that is why I haven't typed in this for so long. Well, alot has happend for starters I been sick for the past 2 weeks causing me to miss most of my meetings and service.

I have had 2 invitations to study in a family unit. I was afraid to accapt but after talking to Brenda Pollock I realize it would be stupid to turn it down. I'm also feeling better about going to the elders in Belmoral because I found out that they have helped a brother who has the same problems that I do, they arn't afraid to deal with the problems that he has.

Also I have recieved an invatiaion to join the Lansdown cong. in one of there get to gethers in 2 weeks by none other then Reta Drake herself. As usual they asked if I were still in the trueth but I hopefully assured them that I still have the trueth still in me, I'm still hanging on. I said that I would. It's on a Sunday and I do go over to moms afterward. I'm scared to do it but I must try.


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March 5/93

Dear Journel,

There are days when I feel I've got things firgured out emotionaly, mentaly. But It's amazing what just one wrong word,phrase, or action sends my supervisor speaks that makes me question my very existance and my attitude. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I thought that if I type it out I might feel better. As always my problems centers around work. One wrong movement sends my boss into a fighting mode. I feel terrible, I have bad cold and I did something very stupid at work. I motioned to Bill hold on a moment when he wanted to see me about something. Later when, I need something to do he questiond me about whether or not I deserved to even have more work. I did know what he was getting at, that is till now. I insulted him, seems trivial but this is Bill we are talking about. I can't seem to shake this dredful feeling of hopelessness. You know the very reason I type in this is to express my feelings and the only timr I think of anything is when I'm at work not when I'm sitting at the computer. I truely don't know what is going to happen on Monday but I do know that Bill hasen't fired me yet, maybe Monday, who knows I trurely think that the brady is getting to me. I also know that I won't stop thinking about this till Monday. What will happen, maybe Bill will be human and understand why I did as I did and forgive me or at the least not hold it against me, which isn't very likely I'm afraid. So till then good night Journel till tomarrow.


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March 3/93

Dear Journel,

Dispite the fact I haven't typed in this I have need this Journel.

As regards my last entry, things have gotten worse. Victor hasen't phoned to apologised to me, in fact I have only gotten one obsseen phone call in the middle ofthe day. Anntte thinks I'm stupid and I honestly think I have lost a friend ship with Victor, for good. This may not seem like alot but I don't have that manz frj__Y___jd$D_¦"hT_d-_bl-m__K_KhN+_Y_MY__JY+Y¦_G_K+_Y__JI_J+¦_J__NZ+KhNJ_+_HG_
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(This entry was cut off due to a bad sector on the floppy)


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Feb.21/93

Dear Journel,

There are times when I understand men and then there are times when I don't, like now. When you encounter reality which I did this evening, it's only then I don't, at all.

It seem that every time I encounteer Victor I find myself tonge tied and unable to answer any question at all, misunderstandings occure and I'm always [ and I mean always] on the apology end. I say that the next time will be different but it never is. YOu see I was hoping that I could relax and unwinde tonight.Now I reaize you can't do it with people I don't know. I was uncom@ertable ,uncertain, and very tired. I shouldn't have gone, and I won't do it again. The bowling was great but the people were not. In otherwords I messed up baddly due to being tired. But on to other busness..... I have been on a self inprovement kick and I havent been getting anyware with anything lately. I'm macking two dresses for someone that I thought might mack them feel better but am told that I practacly begged to do so. In my oppinion I didn't beg.

I often think my verson of reality is completely different from others. This leads to confusion and missunderstanding on my part. I tend to withdrawl into myself macking the situation worse.

I deffinatly feel at a disatvantage when it comes to Annette,Haward, and Victor. Withe the risk of sounding petty I realy don't want to play with them any more. At least not till I get my head on straight. I don't need the added hassel and don't need to be accused of being "read like a book" dispite what Victor says. Everything in my being want's me to phone him up and tell him that he dosen't know me at all, only what I want hom to see, I'm a completely different person from the one I let him see. But courage prevents me, or the lack of words.


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Jan.26/93

Dear Journel,

The past few days have gone by very quickly and I thought it was about time I typed something here.

The feelings come on so strongly some times that I can't handle them. I think that I write good peotry in my head then forget it to type it down.

Other times the stresses of life take over and I find it difficult to handle. I end up neglecting to type. I have to get my taxes done and I am going to have a fight with Paramount Acceptence to get my account smoothed out. I intend to get ugly if possible. I should have known then to have anything to do with that company, the last time I got the official run-around with them and I'm not in the mood for it anymore so they had better not mess with me tomarrow.

I hate my job and my bosses hate me, though they have not found a reason to fire me yet, but tomarrow is another day so god night.


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Jan.21/93

Dear Journel,

I'm sorry that I haven't typed anything in this thing for awhile but the day's have gone by very quickly. I have been so much about the past I have lost track of the present, of which I am very confused completely. There are times when the past is so vivid and real but there are times when I just don't remember. How do I start the healing process when I can't sort the facts from the fiction or exadurations of the facts to fit the pain, or phantom pain, I feel. I don't want to loose tract of the present. Only by sorting these feelings out can I continue the what I worked at for the past 4 years. They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that there is still time for the healing. The reality of the stiuation slamms in my face every time I try to talk to others about it, they freeze and brush it off. I end up feeling confused and alone with no where to turn. In fact this whole period of my life will be alone, that is when I get frustrated and angey at others since they have promised to be there for me.

The other pressures of work and home are always there, so I constanly pray for help to cope and endure. Jah. is the one person I can alaways go to and that thought is a constant comfort to me because when I pray I'm not alone.Good night Journel.


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Jan.19/93

Dear Journel,

There is always so much I want to say in this thing, during the day that is, but come the time to type it down and I forget.

As always I worry about my job, I try not to but with the new legislation it's hard not to worry. I'm not all that sure that I'm doing that good a job at work, becoming lax as it were. Bill made the comment that I was the problem not the machine, it struck home faster than all the filthy words he has used in the past. The fact that he didn't yell at me made me think, alot.

Other topics that keep me attention is that of my mother. I finaly went to the doctors and asked about getting psychiatric help coaping with Bill [ poppers] molesting me. Dr. Forten suggested that I try another means of getting the help needed. A book that deals spacificaly with getting through it and councelling, of course. I was greatly relieved at this and proceeded to tell my mother about it. To say the least she wasnt impressed about it and got quite upset about it. Staring to, by her body language, denying the damage he caused was real. In fact the responce of the ones I talked to about it was ampathetic at best. I try not to get upset but it's hard. You would think that they would be happy for me, they only said that it was about time. So begins the long road to recovery.

I only hope that I will get the sleep I need to face the day with the energy lacking for the past few days. I must remind you,Journel, that this is only a brief review of the past few days and says nothing of the mood swings that have plegde me in the mean time. So good night dear Journel.


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Jan.15/93

Dear Journel,

This day is no different then any other day, I worry about my job. I am always in fear of going into work and getting fired. The things I have done or said to Bill or things I have forgotten to do or say, constantly going over the days events, again and again and again till I go back to work only to make the same mistakes all over again. The weekends are the worst, this is because oftwo day period of waiting and thinging and wondering what awaited me on Monday morning, and the worring continues till then. People don't understand this, for last of a better word, obsetion. Also, Monday holds onther problems for me. I go to see the doctor. You see on Wedensday, when talking to Betty we got on the topic on shrinks, which I then confided to her that I was thinking about asking the doctor if she could recomend on that didn't cost much. I am very scared but Betty thinks it would be a good idea. Now, on Monday, I will be asking about it, I'm scared. So with double worries no one to talk to, or who wants to listen to me about it. People thinks it's easy to keep this job, but when you are under the type of pressure I'm under but when you have a boss always lookin over your shoulders and you know that are looking for you to make a mistakes on a machine that doesn't want to work , it's easy to make the mistakes the boss is looking for to fire me. I feel better now so I will go now but I will be back tomarrow. Good Night.


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Jan.13/93

Dear Journel,

Where do I begin. The day was the pits to say the least, that is till I got to the Hicks's then everything changed. The dday didn't seem to matter all the problems, strife, the worry and insecurity that I encountered. The childeren were glad to see me as well as the parents, my day seems all right even thought My day was anything but. Mr.H. is determined to find a reason to fire me but can't find a good enough reason, but we both know he will eventually find one, it's just a matter of time, only time. I hate to go into work, it's is a chore, I hate always being on edge, afraid of every thing I might do to be wrong when I might not be at all. I realize that a anew job is inevedable but not something I want to do. With a firing on my resume there will beeeeee no chance of getting another job,Mr.H. knows that, espcially in the light on the economic situation, and he knows that too. I realy thing that is why he is doing it. To aviod that fact is to say that he want me there,he doesn't and he will not stop untill I'm gone,that isn't going to change, no matter what anyone thinks, nothing I will every do will change that. Sorry to leave on that sour note but that is the way it is. Till tomarrow, good night.


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Jan.12/93

Dear Journel,

There are times when I feel that I have things all rapped up at work and then there are days like the way they have been the past month that realy make you wonder. Every day I go to work wondering if they are going to fire me that day. The fear is always there, to go to work and stay home and worry, constantly worrying. I go to work ,try to do the best I can only to have a machine that doesn't work and get blamed for it breaking, then you get it working, only to have it break on you again. The boss , neding the important order in a hurry, finds it still on the machine that you claimed you fixed. This is after he voluntered to try to fix it and now wont touch it. A very trying situation at best.There are many things I want to type in here after I put it all away, the desperation, the fear, the strain of trying to be brave, the need to put what I'm feeling in a reasonable mannor, then forgetting it all befor I come here. Tonight I commented on my own for the first time in months. It was a simple on but I made it non the less,and I'm glad of it. Going to Jah. is getting easer every night and He's answering them. I feel one world, that I have been available to me, just opening up to me, I have been studing more than I have in a year. For how long I don't know but at least it's start. I feel good for what I have done so far.


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Jan.11/93

Dear Journel,

This is my first official entry into this thing. I tried once before but it didn't work. My day today was the pits. I tried to help others but only one appreciated it , one accused me of stealing, others gave me problems concerning my wadding This end up getting me angery, which I promised myself I wouldn't. All in all it was quite a mixed day. I realize my temper is going to get my into real trouble on of these days but those people realy got to me in the end. I have alot of work to do my temper before I'm throught.

On to more emberrising things. On Sunday I talked to Br. Code about my lack of comments at the meetings. He said that he was glad I came to him ,after he gave my some suggestions for me start off with then concluded by telling me he would talk to the brother in charge of the Watchtower meeing. I'm glad I finaly did it so I can get the help I need so desperatly. I'm doing all this because I'm determinded not to go back to Lansdowne territory,which I have been concidering doing lately. How knows I might yet but not for the moment.


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Jan.8/93

Garfield Hangs out? I don't get it.


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Introduction

Kim's journal was extracted from a 5 1/4" floppy that was used on a Commodore 64. This floppy also survived through a house fire.

At the time of writing, Kim was a single woman in her early 20s, and is a member of the Jehovah's Witnesses. Names have been changed in Kim's journal to protect the innocent. One name was left intact to expose the guilty.

But now, let's hear from Kim.


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