Dear Journel,
There are times when I understand men and then there are times when I don't, like now. When you encounter reality which I did this evening, it's only then I don't, at all.
It seem that every time I encounteer Victor I find myself tonge tied and unable to answer any question at all, misunderstandings occure and I'm always [ and I mean always] on the apology end. I say that the next time will be different but it never is. YOu see I was hoping that I could relax and unwinde tonight.Now I reaize you can't do it with people I don't know. I was uncom@ertable ,uncertain, and very tired. I shouldn't have gone, and I won't do it again. The bowling was great but the people were not. In otherwords I messed up baddly due to being tired. But on to other busness..... I have been on a self inprovement kick and I havent been getting anyware with anything lately. I'm macking two dresses for someone that I thought might mack them feel better but am told that I practacly begged to do so. In my oppinion I didn't beg.
I often think my verson of reality is completely different from others. This leads to confusion and missunderstanding on my part. I tend to withdrawl into myself macking the situation worse.
I deffinatly feel at a disatvantage when it comes to Annette,Haward, and Victor. Withe the risk of sounding petty I realy don't want to play with them any more. At least not till I get my head on straight. I don't need the added hassel and don't need to be accused of being "read like a book" dispite what Victor says. Everything in my being want's me to phone him up and tell him that he dosen't know me at all, only what I want hom to see, I'm a completely different person from the one I let him see. But courage prevents me, or the lack of words.
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Jan.26/93
Dear Journel,
The past few days have gone by very quickly and I thought it was about time I typed something here.
The feelings come on so strongly some times that I can't handle them. I think that I write good peotry in my head then forget it to type it down.
Other times the stresses of life take over and I find it difficult to handle. I end up neglecting to type. I have to get my taxes done and I am going to have a fight with Paramount Acceptence to get my account smoothed out. I intend to get ugly if possible. I should have known then to have anything to do with that company, the last time I got the official run-around with them and I'm not in the mood for it anymore so they had better not mess with me tomarrow.
I hate my job and my bosses hate me, though they have not found a reason to fire me yet, but tomarrow is another day so god night.
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The past few days have gone by very quickly and I thought it was about time I typed something here.
The feelings come on so strongly some times that I can't handle them. I think that I write good peotry in my head then forget it to type it down.
Other times the stresses of life take over and I find it difficult to handle. I end up neglecting to type. I have to get my taxes done and I am going to have a fight with Paramount Acceptence to get my account smoothed out. I intend to get ugly if possible. I should have known then to have anything to do with that company, the last time I got the official run-around with them and I'm not in the mood for it anymore so they had better not mess with me tomarrow.
I hate my job and my bosses hate me, though they have not found a reason to fire me yet, but tomarrow is another day so god night.
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Monday, February 25, 2008
Jan.21/93
Dear Journel,
I'm sorry that I haven't typed anything in this thing for awhile but the day's have gone by very quickly. I have been so much about the past I have lost track of the present, of which I am very confused completely. There are times when the past is so vivid and real but there are times when I just don't remember. How do I start the healing process when I can't sort the facts from the fiction or exadurations of the facts to fit the pain, or phantom pain, I feel. I don't want to loose tract of the present. Only by sorting these feelings out can I continue the what I worked at for the past 4 years. They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that there is still time for the healing. The reality of the stiuation slamms in my face every time I try to talk to others about it, they freeze and brush it off. I end up feeling confused and alone with no where to turn. In fact this whole period of my life will be alone, that is when I get frustrated and angey at others since they have promised to be there for me.
The other pressures of work and home are always there, so I constanly pray for help to cope and endure. Jah. is the one person I can alaways go to and that thought is a constant comfort to me because when I pray I'm not alone.Good night Journel.
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I'm sorry that I haven't typed anything in this thing for awhile but the day's have gone by very quickly. I have been so much about the past I have lost track of the present, of which I am very confused completely. There are times when the past is so vivid and real but there are times when I just don't remember. How do I start the healing process when I can't sort the facts from the fiction or exadurations of the facts to fit the pain, or phantom pain, I feel. I don't want to loose tract of the present. Only by sorting these feelings out can I continue the what I worked at for the past 4 years. They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that there is still time for the healing. The reality of the stiuation slamms in my face every time I try to talk to others about it, they freeze and brush it off. I end up feeling confused and alone with no where to turn. In fact this whole period of my life will be alone, that is when I get frustrated and angey at others since they have promised to be there for me.
The other pressures of work and home are always there, so I constanly pray for help to cope and endure. Jah. is the one person I can alaways go to and that thought is a constant comfort to me because when I pray I'm not alone.Good night Journel.
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Thursday, February 21, 2008
Jan.19/93
Dear Journel,
There is always so much I want to say in this thing, during the day that is, but come the time to type it down and I forget.
As always I worry about my job, I try not to but with the new legislation it's hard not to worry. I'm not all that sure that I'm doing that good a job at work, becoming lax as it were. Bill made the comment that I was the problem not the machine, it struck home faster than all the filthy words he has used in the past. The fact that he didn't yell at me made me think, alot.
Other topics that keep me attention is that of my mother. I finaly went to the doctors and asked about getting psychiatric help coaping with Bill [ poppers] molesting me. Dr. Forten suggested that I try another means of getting the help needed. A book that deals spacificaly with getting through it and councelling, of course. I was greatly relieved at this and proceeded to tell my mother about it. To say the least she wasnt impressed about it and got quite upset about it. Staring to, by her body language, denying the damage he caused was real. In fact the responce of the ones I talked to about it was ampathetic at best. I try not to get upset but it's hard. You would think that they would be happy for me, they only said that it was about time. So begins the long road to recovery.
I only hope that I will get the sleep I need to face the day with the energy lacking for the past few days. I must remind you,Journel, that this is only a brief review of the past few days and says nothing of the mood swings that have plegde me in the mean time. So good night dear Journel.
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There is always so much I want to say in this thing, during the day that is, but come the time to type it down and I forget.
As always I worry about my job, I try not to but with the new legislation it's hard not to worry. I'm not all that sure that I'm doing that good a job at work, becoming lax as it were. Bill made the comment that I was the problem not the machine, it struck home faster than all the filthy words he has used in the past. The fact that he didn't yell at me made me think, alot.
Other topics that keep me attention is that of my mother. I finaly went to the doctors and asked about getting psychiatric help coaping with Bill [ poppers] molesting me. Dr. Forten suggested that I try another means of getting the help needed. A book that deals spacificaly with getting through it and councelling, of course. I was greatly relieved at this and proceeded to tell my mother about it. To say the least she wasnt impressed about it and got quite upset about it. Staring to, by her body language, denying the damage he caused was real. In fact the responce of the ones I talked to about it was ampathetic at best. I try not to get upset but it's hard. You would think that they would be happy for me, they only said that it was about time. So begins the long road to recovery.
I only hope that I will get the sleep I need to face the day with the energy lacking for the past few days. I must remind you,Journel, that this is only a brief review of the past few days and says nothing of the mood swings that have plegde me in the mean time. So good night dear Journel.
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Jan.15/93
Dear Journel,
This day is no different then any other day, I worry about my job. I am always in fear of going into work and getting fired. The things I have done or said to Bill or things I have forgotten to do or say, constantly going over the days events, again and again and again till I go back to work only to make the same mistakes all over again. The weekends are the worst, this is because oftwo day period of waiting and thinging and wondering what awaited me on Monday morning, and the worring continues till then. People don't understand this, for last of a better word, obsetion. Also, Monday holds onther problems for me. I go to see the doctor. You see on Wedensday, when talking to Betty we got on the topic on shrinks, which I then confided to her that I was thinking about asking the doctor if she could recomend on that didn't cost much. I am very scared but Betty thinks it would be a good idea. Now, on Monday, I will be asking about it, I'm scared. So with double worries no one to talk to, or who wants to listen to me about it. People thinks it's easy to keep this job, but when you are under the type of pressure I'm under but when you have a boss always lookin over your shoulders and you know that are looking for you to make a mistakes on a machine that doesn't want to work , it's easy to make the mistakes the boss is looking for to fire me. I feel better now so I will go now but I will be back tomarrow. Good Night.
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This day is no different then any other day, I worry about my job. I am always in fear of going into work and getting fired. The things I have done or said to Bill or things I have forgotten to do or say, constantly going over the days events, again and again and again till I go back to work only to make the same mistakes all over again. The weekends are the worst, this is because oftwo day period of waiting and thinging and wondering what awaited me on Monday morning, and the worring continues till then. People don't understand this, for last of a better word, obsetion. Also, Monday holds onther problems for me. I go to see the doctor. You see on Wedensday, when talking to Betty we got on the topic on shrinks, which I then confided to her that I was thinking about asking the doctor if she could recomend on that didn't cost much. I am very scared but Betty thinks it would be a good idea. Now, on Monday, I will be asking about it, I'm scared. So with double worries no one to talk to, or who wants to listen to me about it. People thinks it's easy to keep this job, but when you are under the type of pressure I'm under but when you have a boss always lookin over your shoulders and you know that are looking for you to make a mistakes on a machine that doesn't want to work , it's easy to make the mistakes the boss is looking for to fire me. I feel better now so I will go now but I will be back tomarrow. Good Night.
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Friday, February 15, 2008
Jan.13/93
Dear Journel,
Where do I begin. The day was the pits to say the least, that is till I got to the Hicks's then everything changed. The dday didn't seem to matter all the problems, strife, the worry and insecurity that I encountered. The childeren were glad to see me as well as the parents, my day seems all right even thought My day was anything but. Mr.H. is determined to find a reason to fire me but can't find a good enough reason, but we both know he will eventually find one, it's just a matter of time, only time. I hate to go into work, it's is a chore, I hate always being on edge, afraid of every thing I might do to be wrong when I might not be at all. I realize that a anew job is inevedable but not something I want to do. With a firing on my resume there will beeeeee no chance of getting another job,Mr.H. knows that, espcially in the light on the economic situation, and he knows that too. I realy thing that is why he is doing it. To aviod that fact is to say that he want me there,he doesn't and he will not stop untill I'm gone,that isn't going to change, no matter what anyone thinks, nothing I will every do will change that. Sorry to leave on that sour note but that is the way it is. Till tomarrow, good night.
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Where do I begin. The day was the pits to say the least, that is till I got to the Hicks's then everything changed. The dday didn't seem to matter all the problems, strife, the worry and insecurity that I encountered. The childeren were glad to see me as well as the parents, my day seems all right even thought My day was anything but. Mr.H. is determined to find a reason to fire me but can't find a good enough reason, but we both know he will eventually find one, it's just a matter of time, only time. I hate to go into work, it's is a chore, I hate always being on edge, afraid of every thing I might do to be wrong when I might not be at all. I realize that a anew job is inevedable but not something I want to do. With a firing on my resume there will beeeeee no chance of getting another job,Mr.H. knows that, espcially in the light on the economic situation, and he knows that too. I realy thing that is why he is doing it. To aviod that fact is to say that he want me there,he doesn't and he will not stop untill I'm gone,that isn't going to change, no matter what anyone thinks, nothing I will every do will change that. Sorry to leave on that sour note but that is the way it is. Till tomarrow, good night.
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Jan.12/93
Dear Journel,
There are times when I feel that I have things all rapped up at work and then there are days like the way they have been the past month that realy make you wonder. Every day I go to work wondering if they are going to fire me that day. The fear is always there, to go to work and stay home and worry, constantly worrying. I go to work ,try to do the best I can only to have a machine that doesn't work and get blamed for it breaking, then you get it working, only to have it break on you again. The boss , neding the important order in a hurry, finds it still on the machine that you claimed you fixed. This is after he voluntered to try to fix it and now wont touch it. A very trying situation at best.There are many things I want to type in here after I put it all away, the desperation, the fear, the strain of trying to be brave, the need to put what I'm feeling in a reasonable mannor, then forgetting it all befor I come here. Tonight I commented on my own for the first time in months. It was a simple on but I made it non the less,and I'm glad of it. Going to Jah. is getting easer every night and He's answering them. I feel one world, that I have been available to me, just opening up to me, I have been studing more than I have in a year. For how long I don't know but at least it's start. I feel good for what I have done so far.
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There are times when I feel that I have things all rapped up at work and then there are days like the way they have been the past month that realy make you wonder. Every day I go to work wondering if they are going to fire me that day. The fear is always there, to go to work and stay home and worry, constantly worrying. I go to work ,try to do the best I can only to have a machine that doesn't work and get blamed for it breaking, then you get it working, only to have it break on you again. The boss , neding the important order in a hurry, finds it still on the machine that you claimed you fixed. This is after he voluntered to try to fix it and now wont touch it. A very trying situation at best.There are many things I want to type in here after I put it all away, the desperation, the fear, the strain of trying to be brave, the need to put what I'm feeling in a reasonable mannor, then forgetting it all befor I come here. Tonight I commented on my own for the first time in months. It was a simple on but I made it non the less,and I'm glad of it. Going to Jah. is getting easer every night and He's answering them. I feel one world, that I have been available to me, just opening up to me, I have been studing more than I have in a year. For how long I don't know but at least it's start. I feel good for what I have done so far.
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Jan.11/93
Dear Journel,
This is my first official entry into this thing. I tried once before but it didn't work. My day today was the pits. I tried to help others but only one appreciated it , one accused me of stealing, others gave me problems concerning my wadding This end up getting me angery, which I promised myself I wouldn't. All in all it was quite a mixed day. I realize my temper is going to get my into real trouble on of these days but those people realy got to me in the end. I have alot of work to do my temper before I'm throught.
On to more emberrising things. On Sunday I talked to Br. Code about my lack of comments at the meetings. He said that he was glad I came to him ,after he gave my some suggestions for me start off with then concluded by telling me he would talk to the brother in charge of the Watchtower meeing. I'm glad I finaly did it so I can get the help I need so desperatly. I'm doing all this because I'm determinded not to go back to Lansdowne territory,which I have been concidering doing lately. How knows I might yet but not for the moment.
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This is my first official entry into this thing. I tried once before but it didn't work. My day today was the pits. I tried to help others but only one appreciated it , one accused me of stealing, others gave me problems concerning my wadding This end up getting me angery, which I promised myself I wouldn't. All in all it was quite a mixed day. I realize my temper is going to get my into real trouble on of these days but those people realy got to me in the end. I have alot of work to do my temper before I'm throught.
On to more emberrising things. On Sunday I talked to Br. Code about my lack of comments at the meetings. He said that he was glad I came to him ,after he gave my some suggestions for me start off with then concluded by telling me he would talk to the brother in charge of the Watchtower meeing. I'm glad I finaly did it so I can get the help I need so desperatly. I'm doing all this because I'm determinded not to go back to Lansdowne territory,which I have been concidering doing lately. How knows I might yet but not for the moment.
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Saturday, February 9, 2008
Introduction
Kim's journal was extracted from a 5 1/4" floppy that was used on a Commodore 64. This floppy also survived through a house fire.
At the time of writing, Kim was a single woman in her early 20s, and is a member of the Jehovah's Witnesses. Names have been changed in Kim's journal to protect the innocent. One name was left intact to expose the guilty.
But now, let's hear from Kim.
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At the time of writing, Kim was a single woman in her early 20s, and is a member of the Jehovah's Witnesses. Names have been changed in Kim's journal to protect the innocent. One name was left intact to expose the guilty.
But now, let's hear from Kim.
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