Dear Journel,
Despite the fact that things have been crazy the past few days, it's good to type in here. My feelings are mixed as I thpye this evening, for you see I had my first study with the Pollocks, among other things. It felt wiered,strainge, confusing and scary all at the same time. The changes I have deen macking thes3e days are numerious and have been spred over short period of time. From encourageing Natasha Hicks, taking her out in service to visiting sick ones in the hospital to going out more in the service, to agreeing to join a family study, to questing the brother who hasn't been conductung the study. I have joined the Pollocks on their family study on Monday nights so you see I have alot to be thank ful for. I am starting to wonder how long this is going to last because I have gone this way before and eventualy I let eveyone down. Some times I scare myself with my thoughts.
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Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Mar.22/93
Dear Journel,
I just got off the phone with my father I love talking to him, he makes me feel better even though I feel terrible. These past 3 weeks I have had a terrible cold and this past weekend I have been down sick in bed with it, and I mean with the whole shabbang. Barffing, chills, fever, exploding head, the works. Mom told me to stay at home if I feel that bad, I guess I took offence at first but I can understand her reasoning now. She felt that Bill's health was moe important than my sickness, the same old game as before or that ever was, there is nothing she can do for me, I am an adult I should be able to take care of myself especially since I live so far from them. There are time's when I feel like I should give up with trying to keep this family communicating, so very tired.
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I just got off the phone with my father I love talking to him, he makes me feel better even though I feel terrible. These past 3 weeks I have had a terrible cold and this past weekend I have been down sick in bed with it, and I mean with the whole shabbang. Barffing, chills, fever, exploding head, the works. Mom told me to stay at home if I feel that bad, I guess I took offence at first but I can understand her reasoning now. She felt that Bill's health was moe important than my sickness, the same old game as before or that ever was, there is nothing she can do for me, I am an adult I should be able to take care of myself especially since I live so far from them. There are time's when I feel like I should give up with trying to keep this family communicating, so very tired.
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Friday, March 7, 2008
Mar.15/93
Dear Journel,
Things have been kind of crazy lately so that is why I haven't typed in this for so long. Well, alot has happend for starters I been sick for the past 2 weeks causing me to miss most of my meetings and service.
I have had 2 invitations to study in a family unit. I was afraid to accapt but after talking to Brenda Pollock I realize it would be stupid to turn it down. I'm also feeling better about going to the elders in Belmoral because I found out that they have helped a brother who has the same problems that I do, they arn't afraid to deal with the problems that he has.
Also I have recieved an invatiaion to join the Lansdown cong. in one of there get to gethers in 2 weeks by none other then Reta Drake herself. As usual they asked if I were still in the trueth but I hopefully assured them that I still have the trueth still in me, I'm still hanging on. I said that I would. It's on a Sunday and I do go over to moms afterward. I'm scared to do it but I must try.
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Things have been kind of crazy lately so that is why I haven't typed in this for so long. Well, alot has happend for starters I been sick for the past 2 weeks causing me to miss most of my meetings and service.
I have had 2 invitations to study in a family unit. I was afraid to accapt but after talking to Brenda Pollock I realize it would be stupid to turn it down. I'm also feeling better about going to the elders in Belmoral because I found out that they have helped a brother who has the same problems that I do, they arn't afraid to deal with the problems that he has.
Also I have recieved an invatiaion to join the Lansdown cong. in one of there get to gethers in 2 weeks by none other then Reta Drake herself. As usual they asked if I were still in the trueth but I hopefully assured them that I still have the trueth still in me, I'm still hanging on. I said that I would. It's on a Sunday and I do go over to moms afterward. I'm scared to do it but I must try.
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008
March 5/93
Dear Journel,
There are days when I feel I've got things firgured out emotionaly, mentaly. But It's amazing what just one wrong word,phrase, or action sends my supervisor speaks that makes me question my very existance and my attitude. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I thought that if I type it out I might feel better. As always my problems centers around work. One wrong movement sends my boss into a fighting mode. I feel terrible, I have bad cold and I did something very stupid at work. I motioned to Bill hold on a moment when he wanted to see me about something. Later when, I need something to do he questiond me about whether or not I deserved to even have more work. I did know what he was getting at, that is till now. I insulted him, seems trivial but this is Bill we are talking about. I can't seem to shake this dredful feeling of hopelessness. You know the very reason I type in this is to express my feelings and the only timr I think of anything is when I'm at work not when I'm sitting at the computer. I truely don't know what is going to happen on Monday but I do know that Bill hasen't fired me yet, maybe Monday, who knows I trurely think that the brady is getting to me. I also know that I won't stop thinking about this till Monday. What will happen, maybe Bill will be human and understand why I did as I did and forgive me or at the least not hold it against me, which isn't very likely I'm afraid. So till then good night Journel till tomarrow.
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There are days when I feel I've got things firgured out emotionaly, mentaly. But It's amazing what just one wrong word,phrase, or action sends my supervisor speaks that makes me question my very existance and my attitude. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I thought that if I type it out I might feel better. As always my problems centers around work. One wrong movement sends my boss into a fighting mode. I feel terrible, I have bad cold and I did something very stupid at work. I motioned to Bill hold on a moment when he wanted to see me about something. Later when, I need something to do he questiond me about whether or not I deserved to even have more work. I did know what he was getting at, that is till now. I insulted him, seems trivial but this is Bill we are talking about. I can't seem to shake this dredful feeling of hopelessness. You know the very reason I type in this is to express my feelings and the only timr I think of anything is when I'm at work not when I'm sitting at the computer. I truely don't know what is going to happen on Monday but I do know that Bill hasen't fired me yet, maybe Monday, who knows I trurely think that the brady is getting to me. I also know that I won't stop thinking about this till Monday. What will happen, maybe Bill will be human and understand why I did as I did and forgive me or at the least not hold it against me, which isn't very likely I'm afraid. So till then good night Journel till tomarrow.
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Monday, March 3, 2008
March 3/93
Dear Journel,
Dispite the fact I haven't typed in this I have need this Journel.
As regards my last entry, things have gotten worse. Victor hasen't phoned to apologised to me, in fact I have only gotten one obsseen phone call in the middle ofthe day. Anntte thinks I'm stupid and I honestly think I have lost a friend ship with Victor, for good. This may not seem like alot but I don't have that manz frj__Y___jd$D_¦"hT_d-_bl-m__K_KhN+_Y_MY__JY+Y¦_G_K+_Y__JI_J+¦_J__NZ+KhNJ_+_HG_
K_YK_MY__JYJMZNt
(This entry was cut off due to a bad sector on the floppy)
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Dispite the fact I haven't typed in this I have need this Journel.
As regards my last entry, things have gotten worse. Victor hasen't phoned to apologised to me, in fact I have only gotten one obsseen phone call in the middle ofthe day. Anntte thinks I'm stupid and I honestly think I have lost a friend ship with Victor, for good. This may not seem like alot but I don't have that manz frj__Y___jd$D_¦"hT_d-_bl-m__K_KhN+_Y_MY__JY+Y¦_G_K+_Y__JI_J+¦_J__NZ+KhNJ_+_HG_
K_YK_MY__JYJMZNt
(This entry was cut off due to a bad sector on the floppy)
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Feb.21/93
Dear Journel,
There are times when I understand men and then there are times when I don't, like now. When you encounter reality which I did this evening, it's only then I don't, at all.
It seem that every time I encounteer Victor I find myself tonge tied and unable to answer any question at all, misunderstandings occure and I'm always [ and I mean always] on the apology end. I say that the next time will be different but it never is. YOu see I was hoping that I could relax and unwinde tonight.Now I reaize you can't do it with people I don't know. I was uncom@ertable ,uncertain, and very tired. I shouldn't have gone, and I won't do it again. The bowling was great but the people were not. In otherwords I messed up baddly due to being tired. But on to other busness..... I have been on a self inprovement kick and I havent been getting anyware with anything lately. I'm macking two dresses for someone that I thought might mack them feel better but am told that I practacly begged to do so. In my oppinion I didn't beg.
I often think my verson of reality is completely different from others. This leads to confusion and missunderstanding on my part. I tend to withdrawl into myself macking the situation worse.
I deffinatly feel at a disatvantage when it comes to Annette,Haward, and Victor. Withe the risk of sounding petty I realy don't want to play with them any more. At least not till I get my head on straight. I don't need the added hassel and don't need to be accused of being "read like a book" dispite what Victor says. Everything in my being want's me to phone him up and tell him that he dosen't know me at all, only what I want hom to see, I'm a completely different person from the one I let him see. But courage prevents me, or the lack of words.
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There are times when I understand men and then there are times when I don't, like now. When you encounter reality which I did this evening, it's only then I don't, at all.
It seem that every time I encounteer Victor I find myself tonge tied and unable to answer any question at all, misunderstandings occure and I'm always [ and I mean always] on the apology end. I say that the next time will be different but it never is. YOu see I was hoping that I could relax and unwinde tonight.Now I reaize you can't do it with people I don't know. I was uncom@ertable ,uncertain, and very tired. I shouldn't have gone, and I won't do it again. The bowling was great but the people were not. In otherwords I messed up baddly due to being tired. But on to other busness..... I have been on a self inprovement kick and I havent been getting anyware with anything lately. I'm macking two dresses for someone that I thought might mack them feel better but am told that I practacly begged to do so. In my oppinion I didn't beg.
I often think my verson of reality is completely different from others. This leads to confusion and missunderstanding on my part. I tend to withdrawl into myself macking the situation worse.
I deffinatly feel at a disatvantage when it comes to Annette,Haward, and Victor. Withe the risk of sounding petty I realy don't want to play with them any more. At least not till I get my head on straight. I don't need the added hassel and don't need to be accused of being "read like a book" dispite what Victor says. Everything in my being want's me to phone him up and tell him that he dosen't know me at all, only what I want hom to see, I'm a completely different person from the one I let him see. But courage prevents me, or the lack of words.
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Jan.26/93
Dear Journel,
The past few days have gone by very quickly and I thought it was about time I typed something here.
The feelings come on so strongly some times that I can't handle them. I think that I write good peotry in my head then forget it to type it down.
Other times the stresses of life take over and I find it difficult to handle. I end up neglecting to type. I have to get my taxes done and I am going to have a fight with Paramount Acceptence to get my account smoothed out. I intend to get ugly if possible. I should have known then to have anything to do with that company, the last time I got the official run-around with them and I'm not in the mood for it anymore so they had better not mess with me tomarrow.
I hate my job and my bosses hate me, though they have not found a reason to fire me yet, but tomarrow is another day so god night.
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The past few days have gone by very quickly and I thought it was about time I typed something here.
The feelings come on so strongly some times that I can't handle them. I think that I write good peotry in my head then forget it to type it down.
Other times the stresses of life take over and I find it difficult to handle. I end up neglecting to type. I have to get my taxes done and I am going to have a fight with Paramount Acceptence to get my account smoothed out. I intend to get ugly if possible. I should have known then to have anything to do with that company, the last time I got the official run-around with them and I'm not in the mood for it anymore so they had better not mess with me tomarrow.
I hate my job and my bosses hate me, though they have not found a reason to fire me yet, but tomarrow is another day so god night.
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