Mar. 1/94

Dear Journel,

There is an old sayingthat time flys when your having fun, and that has certaintly been the case since Oct. On Wed. Nov. 17/93 I took and passed my road test, twith only 3 mistakes and almost running over the tester. I then proceeded to float home. Made the decission to quite Doubletex by April....but still haven't found another job. Rebecca asked me to be there when she delivered her baby, which she did on Feb. 14/94 at 11:23 pm after a very long and hard birth. I was the first to hold Jeramy Smith whom I named. On Feb. 17/94 I broke two middle fingers at work ( the detailes of such I don't feel like getting into right now ) and I am on workers commpensation for at least 3 to 5 weeks. Rebecca has agreed to study with me, and I hope to have the 3rd study within the next week. So I will have 2 studies to deal with, both with emotional problems like me. Aurthor and I have been getting into fights or arguements alot lately as there isn't much hope of us getting together in the future. I syill haven't hade the shepardinh call yet and I don't think I will in the future eithor....... So you see that life with me has been anything be dull, in fact I can't keep up with it. I have onlt typed in the facts about what has been happening to me, can you imagine how long this would be if I typed in how I thought and felt about it all? If I had to sum it all up the word I would use would be CONFUSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This is the final entry in Kim's Journal

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Oct.31/93

Dear Journel,

There hasen't been a real reason to type in this for a long time but that doesn't mean that alot hasn't happened. I realize that I only type when there is a problem that I can't solve or want to save thoughts of events, not the reason I got this. Last night I went to the ballet for the first time, it was "Sleepng Beauty" and I loved every minute. Lana, from work has agreed to study with me and is making great progress. In the course of a few weeks I have managed to get a sheparding call for Wed. of this week. It's in responce to a request fpr help I made to Br. Navarro when I told him about the child abuse my parents put me throughas a child, they feel one is necessary to help the healing progress. I'm not to crazy about the whole thing and dought if it will do much good but I want to ease their minds so I have agread to go through with it. Good night


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Sept.1/93

Dear Journel,

I realize I should have typed in this sooner but my brain hasen't been there. YOu see there are other things that occupy my mind such as studing and passing my begginers driving test ( this happend on Friday Aug.27/93 at 3:30 pm) and having my first driving lesson this evening at 5pm till 6:30 pm. My brain is fried to say the leased. I never thought that I would be getting my lisence I still can't believe it and I don't know what to do or thing. You know I can't even think. My feelings are all jumbbled and crazy, I feel overwhelmed and confused , scared and grown-up. Grown-up is a good term, a mile stone in life and all that a stone I never thought I would ever reach. The events of the past weeks have left me with the feeling of awe and amasementat myself and the potential of it all. I only hope it has Jehovahs blessings and guidence, only time will tell.


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June 23/93

Dear Journel,

I officially anounce, this evening. the birth Annette and Howards brand new baby boy. He doesen't have a name yet but I know they have to name before they can take him home. The new person was born at 7 am, I recived the news when I got homeafter work. I floated all the way to the hospital, it was only as I held him, as he fell asleep in my arms, that these rush of feelings filled me. I don't know just what they were but they were strong. I kept wanting to feel someing but I could'nt and I don't know why. I feel ashamed to type that. Knowledge, understanding, realization, responsibilityand other feelings that I could't express because Annette's relatives were there. I think she realized I wanted I wanted to talk so she asked me to come tomarrow after work. I want to but she and I both realize I cant and I wont see the baby after today for the next few months. The sad part is I do want to see the baby again. So much for being the favored aunt, but this is someing I mew would happen from the begining.


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May 9/93

Dear Journel,

I have come to realise that there are some things you jusr can't change no matter what. Timw have a funny way of sneaking up on you and catching you off guard to the point you don't know if you are coming or going. I say this because of experience.ie helping Natasha Hicks, and Art Mc. First Natasha, alot of things have been happening with her, she isn't responding to me so I decided to go to her mother and discuss it with her[ which I now feel was a mistake] and I am now very confusing. As for Art, that is another story. I know that there is nothing that is going to changein our relationship [us becoming anything other than freinds] but I am now convinced that the attitudes of others or him. I now don't feel comfortable around him or feel I should have anything to do with him, a good relationship gone down the tubes.


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April 24/93

Dear Journel,
Today has been one very tiring day not to mention confusing. I say that because of what has happened today. I when out with a brother in the service whom I feel an attraction too, unfortunately he doesn't feel the same, and he told me so in many different ways. Comments to some of my questions as well as the topics he brought up such as weight and how he feels about it on women, nothing direct or hurtful but to the point. I'm thankful for that, he made me see how silly I have been lately without emberrising me. I only hope he will consider friendship instead, because I realize I'm not ready for anything else yet with anyone. I have a problem with teaching others so I'm hoping he will help me with that instead. I feel comfortable in talking with him and he reminds me of my fleshly brother in Toronto, whom I don't know very well at all.I hope it all works out in the end and I hope that the sister he is interested in will respond to him and join him here in the service.

Also I have been tacking Natasha out in the service and have descussed with her parents about studing the Live Forever book with her. I haven't heard fron them yet. I have started to get her ready to enter the Theocratic Ministey School, we have been preparing a talk together and will present it to the family when we are finished though we have a deadline of the week of the 17th. I should go I'm tired and have to be up for service tomarrow and get Ingred up, I'm trying to encourage her to get out in the ministry as well. Goodnight.


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April 18/93

Dear Journel,

I always thought that when I got spiritualy strong that things would be easier and that I would be busy helping others, boy have I got alot to learn. For one thing I rarely have time to my self, though some think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not I just have a new set of problems and challenges that I didn't think I'd have. I'm busy 7 days a week, there's never a dull moment. There are times when I feel overwhelmed and I start to wonder if I'm accually making a difference as I look at my personel study that gets left collecting dust or the sewing that needs to be done or the house work that needs to be done or other things that needs to be done, it can get overwhelming sometimes. I must admit I enjoy doing these things for Jehovah and the thought of doing more in the service is a joy and helps keep me steady when things get rough at work, which thay have been lately. I have been asked to tack on a Bible study with a recovering alcaholic so that is to require even more of a change. Brenda and Peter have worned me about keeping a balance and I still depend on themfor stability in my personel life. The changes that I have been making have been happening fast and steady this past while it's hard to keep up but there is so much to do. I sincerly hope I can keep up.


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