Dear Journel,
I realize I should have typed in this sooner but my brain hasen't been there. YOu see there are other things that occupy my mind such as studing and passing my begginers driving test ( this happend on Friday Aug.27/93 at 3:30 pm) and having my first driving lesson this evening at 5pm till 6:30 pm. My brain is fried to say the leased. I never thought that I would be getting my lisence I still can't believe it and I don't know what to do or thing. You know I can't even think. My feelings are all jumbbled and crazy, I feel overwhelmed and confused , scared and grown-up. Grown-up is a good term, a mile stone in life and all that a stone I never thought I would ever reach. The events of the past weeks have left me with the feeling of awe and amasementat myself and the potential of it all. I only hope it has Jehovahs blessings and guidence, only time will tell.
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Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
June 23/93
Dear Journel,
I officially anounce, this evening. the birth Annette and Howards brand new baby boy. He doesen't have a name yet but I know they have to name before they can take him home. The new person was born at 7 am, I recived the news when I got homeafter work. I floated all the way to the hospital, it was only as I held him, as he fell asleep in my arms, that these rush of feelings filled me. I don't know just what they were but they were strong. I kept wanting to feel someing but I could'nt and I don't know why. I feel ashamed to type that. Knowledge, understanding, realization, responsibilityand other feelings that I could't express because Annette's relatives were there. I think she realized I wanted I wanted to talk so she asked me to come tomarrow after work. I want to but she and I both realize I cant and I wont see the baby after today for the next few months. The sad part is I do want to see the baby again. So much for being the favored aunt, but this is someing I mew would happen from the begining.
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I officially anounce, this evening. the birth Annette and Howards brand new baby boy. He doesen't have a name yet but I know they have to name before they can take him home. The new person was born at 7 am, I recived the news when I got homeafter work. I floated all the way to the hospital, it was only as I held him, as he fell asleep in my arms, that these rush of feelings filled me. I don't know just what they were but they were strong. I kept wanting to feel someing but I could'nt and I don't know why. I feel ashamed to type that. Knowledge, understanding, realization, responsibilityand other feelings that I could't express because Annette's relatives were there. I think she realized I wanted I wanted to talk so she asked me to come tomarrow after work. I want to but she and I both realize I cant and I wont see the baby after today for the next few months. The sad part is I do want to see the baby again. So much for being the favored aunt, but this is someing I mew would happen from the begining.
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Wednesday, March 19, 2008
May 9/93
Dear Journel,
I have come to realise that there are some things you jusr can't change no matter what. Timw have a funny way of sneaking up on you and catching you off guard to the point you don't know if you are coming or going. I say this because of experience.ie helping Natasha Hicks, and Art Mc. First Natasha, alot of things have been happening with her, she isn't responding to me so I decided to go to her mother and discuss it with her[ which I now feel was a mistake] and I am now very confusing. As for Art, that is another story. I know that there is nothing that is going to changein our relationship [us becoming anything other than freinds] but I am now convinced that the attitudes of others or him. I now don't feel comfortable around him or feel I should have anything to do with him, a good relationship gone down the tubes.
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I have come to realise that there are some things you jusr can't change no matter what. Timw have a funny way of sneaking up on you and catching you off guard to the point you don't know if you are coming or going. I say this because of experience.ie helping Natasha Hicks, and Art Mc. First Natasha, alot of things have been happening with her, she isn't responding to me so I decided to go to her mother and discuss it with her[ which I now feel was a mistake] and I am now very confusing. As for Art, that is another story. I know that there is nothing that is going to changein our relationship [us becoming anything other than freinds] but I am now convinced that the attitudes of others or him. I now don't feel comfortable around him or feel I should have anything to do with him, a good relationship gone down the tubes.
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
April 24/93
Dear Journel,
Today has been one very tiring day not to mention confusing. I say that because of what has happened today. I when out with a brother in the service whom I feel an attraction too, unfortunately he doesn't feel the same, and he told me so in many different ways. Comments to some of my questions as well as the topics he brought up such as weight and how he feels about it on women, nothing direct or hurtful but to the point. I'm thankful for that, he made me see how silly I have been lately without emberrising me. I only hope he will consider friendship instead, because I realize I'm not ready for anything else yet with anyone. I have a problem with teaching others so I'm hoping he will help me with that instead. I feel comfortable in talking with him and he reminds me of my fleshly brother in Toronto, whom I don't know very well at all.I hope it all works out in the end and I hope that the sister he is interested in will respond to him and join him here in the service.
Also I have been tacking Natasha out in the service and have descussed with her parents about studing the Live Forever book with her. I haven't heard fron them yet. I have started to get her ready to enter the Theocratic Ministey School, we have been preparing a talk together and will present it to the family when we are finished though we have a deadline of the week of the 17th. I should go I'm tired and have to be up for service tomarrow and get Ingred up, I'm trying to encourage her to get out in the ministry as well. Goodnight.
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Today has been one very tiring day not to mention confusing. I say that because of what has happened today. I when out with a brother in the service whom I feel an attraction too, unfortunately he doesn't feel the same, and he told me so in many different ways. Comments to some of my questions as well as the topics he brought up such as weight and how he feels about it on women, nothing direct or hurtful but to the point. I'm thankful for that, he made me see how silly I have been lately without emberrising me. I only hope he will consider friendship instead, because I realize I'm not ready for anything else yet with anyone. I have a problem with teaching others so I'm hoping he will help me with that instead. I feel comfortable in talking with him and he reminds me of my fleshly brother in Toronto, whom I don't know very well at all.I hope it all works out in the end and I hope that the sister he is interested in will respond to him and join him here in the service.
Also I have been tacking Natasha out in the service and have descussed with her parents about studing the Live Forever book with her. I haven't heard fron them yet. I have started to get her ready to enter the Theocratic Ministey School, we have been preparing a talk together and will present it to the family when we are finished though we have a deadline of the week of the 17th. I should go I'm tired and have to be up for service tomarrow and get Ingred up, I'm trying to encourage her to get out in the ministry as well. Goodnight.
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Friday, March 14, 2008
April 18/93
Dear Journel,
I always thought that when I got spiritualy strong that things would be easier and that I would be busy helping others, boy have I got alot to learn. For one thing I rarely have time to my self, though some think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not I just have a new set of problems and challenges that I didn't think I'd have. I'm busy 7 days a week, there's never a dull moment. There are times when I feel overwhelmed and I start to wonder if I'm accually making a difference as I look at my personel study that gets left collecting dust or the sewing that needs to be done or the house work that needs to be done or other things that needs to be done, it can get overwhelming sometimes. I must admit I enjoy doing these things for Jehovah and the thought of doing more in the service is a joy and helps keep me steady when things get rough at work, which thay have been lately. I have been asked to tack on a Bible study with a recovering alcaholic so that is to require even more of a change. Brenda and Peter have worned me about keeping a balance and I still depend on themfor stability in my personel life. The changes that I have been making have been happening fast and steady this past while it's hard to keep up but there is so much to do. I sincerly hope I can keep up.
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I always thought that when I got spiritualy strong that things would be easier and that I would be busy helping others, boy have I got alot to learn. For one thing I rarely have time to my self, though some think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not I just have a new set of problems and challenges that I didn't think I'd have. I'm busy 7 days a week, there's never a dull moment. There are times when I feel overwhelmed and I start to wonder if I'm accually making a difference as I look at my personel study that gets left collecting dust or the sewing that needs to be done or the house work that needs to be done or other things that needs to be done, it can get overwhelming sometimes. I must admit I enjoy doing these things for Jehovah and the thought of doing more in the service is a joy and helps keep me steady when things get rough at work, which thay have been lately. I have been asked to tack on a Bible study with a recovering alcaholic so that is to require even more of a change. Brenda and Peter have worned me about keeping a balance and I still depend on themfor stability in my personel life. The changes that I have been making have been happening fast and steady this past while it's hard to keep up but there is so much to do. I sincerly hope I can keep up.
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Tuesday, March 11, 2008
April 12/93
Dear Journel,
Despite the fact that things have been crazy the past few days, it's good to type in here. My feelings are mixed as I thpye this evening, for you see I had my first study with the Pollocks, among other things. It felt wiered,strainge, confusing and scary all at the same time. The changes I have deen macking thes3e days are numerious and have been spred over short period of time. From encourageing Natasha Hicks, taking her out in service to visiting sick ones in the hospital to going out more in the service, to agreeing to join a family study, to questing the brother who hasn't been conductung the study. I have joined the Pollocks on their family study on Monday nights so you see I have alot to be thank ful for. I am starting to wonder how long this is going to last because I have gone this way before and eventualy I let eveyone down. Some times I scare myself with my thoughts.
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Despite the fact that things have been crazy the past few days, it's good to type in here. My feelings are mixed as I thpye this evening, for you see I had my first study with the Pollocks, among other things. It felt wiered,strainge, confusing and scary all at the same time. The changes I have deen macking thes3e days are numerious and have been spred over short period of time. From encourageing Natasha Hicks, taking her out in service to visiting sick ones in the hospital to going out more in the service, to agreeing to join a family study, to questing the brother who hasn't been conductung the study. I have joined the Pollocks on their family study on Monday nights so you see I have alot to be thank ful for. I am starting to wonder how long this is going to last because I have gone this way before and eventualy I let eveyone down. Some times I scare myself with my thoughts.
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Monday, March 10, 2008
Mar.22/93
Dear Journel,
I just got off the phone with my father I love talking to him, he makes me feel better even though I feel terrible. These past 3 weeks I have had a terrible cold and this past weekend I have been down sick in bed with it, and I mean with the whole shabbang. Barffing, chills, fever, exploding head, the works. Mom told me to stay at home if I feel that bad, I guess I took offence at first but I can understand her reasoning now. She felt that Bill's health was moe important than my sickness, the same old game as before or that ever was, there is nothing she can do for me, I am an adult I should be able to take care of myself especially since I live so far from them. There are time's when I feel like I should give up with trying to keep this family communicating, so very tired.
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I just got off the phone with my father I love talking to him, he makes me feel better even though I feel terrible. These past 3 weeks I have had a terrible cold and this past weekend I have been down sick in bed with it, and I mean with the whole shabbang. Barffing, chills, fever, exploding head, the works. Mom told me to stay at home if I feel that bad, I guess I took offence at first but I can understand her reasoning now. She felt that Bill's health was moe important than my sickness, the same old game as before or that ever was, there is nothing she can do for me, I am an adult I should be able to take care of myself especially since I live so far from them. There are time's when I feel like I should give up with trying to keep this family communicating, so very tired.
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Friday, March 7, 2008
Mar.15/93
Dear Journel,
Things have been kind of crazy lately so that is why I haven't typed in this for so long. Well, alot has happend for starters I been sick for the past 2 weeks causing me to miss most of my meetings and service.
I have had 2 invitations to study in a family unit. I was afraid to accapt but after talking to Brenda Pollock I realize it would be stupid to turn it down. I'm also feeling better about going to the elders in Belmoral because I found out that they have helped a brother who has the same problems that I do, they arn't afraid to deal with the problems that he has.
Also I have recieved an invatiaion to join the Lansdown cong. in one of there get to gethers in 2 weeks by none other then Reta Drake herself. As usual they asked if I were still in the trueth but I hopefully assured them that I still have the trueth still in me, I'm still hanging on. I said that I would. It's on a Sunday and I do go over to moms afterward. I'm scared to do it but I must try.
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Things have been kind of crazy lately so that is why I haven't typed in this for so long. Well, alot has happend for starters I been sick for the past 2 weeks causing me to miss most of my meetings and service.
I have had 2 invitations to study in a family unit. I was afraid to accapt but after talking to Brenda Pollock I realize it would be stupid to turn it down. I'm also feeling better about going to the elders in Belmoral because I found out that they have helped a brother who has the same problems that I do, they arn't afraid to deal with the problems that he has.
Also I have recieved an invatiaion to join the Lansdown cong. in one of there get to gethers in 2 weeks by none other then Reta Drake herself. As usual they asked if I were still in the trueth but I hopefully assured them that I still have the trueth still in me, I'm still hanging on. I said that I would. It's on a Sunday and I do go over to moms afterward. I'm scared to do it but I must try.
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008
March 5/93
Dear Journel,
There are days when I feel I've got things firgured out emotionaly, mentaly. But It's amazing what just one wrong word,phrase, or action sends my supervisor speaks that makes me question my very existance and my attitude. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I thought that if I type it out I might feel better. As always my problems centers around work. One wrong movement sends my boss into a fighting mode. I feel terrible, I have bad cold and I did something very stupid at work. I motioned to Bill hold on a moment when he wanted to see me about something. Later when, I need something to do he questiond me about whether or not I deserved to even have more work. I did know what he was getting at, that is till now. I insulted him, seems trivial but this is Bill we are talking about. I can't seem to shake this dredful feeling of hopelessness. You know the very reason I type in this is to express my feelings and the only timr I think of anything is when I'm at work not when I'm sitting at the computer. I truely don't know what is going to happen on Monday but I do know that Bill hasen't fired me yet, maybe Monday, who knows I trurely think that the brady is getting to me. I also know that I won't stop thinking about this till Monday. What will happen, maybe Bill will be human and understand why I did as I did and forgive me or at the least not hold it against me, which isn't very likely I'm afraid. So till then good night Journel till tomarrow.
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There are days when I feel I've got things firgured out emotionaly, mentaly. But It's amazing what just one wrong word,phrase, or action sends my supervisor speaks that makes me question my very existance and my attitude. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I thought that if I type it out I might feel better. As always my problems centers around work. One wrong movement sends my boss into a fighting mode. I feel terrible, I have bad cold and I did something very stupid at work. I motioned to Bill hold on a moment when he wanted to see me about something. Later when, I need something to do he questiond me about whether or not I deserved to even have more work. I did know what he was getting at, that is till now. I insulted him, seems trivial but this is Bill we are talking about. I can't seem to shake this dredful feeling of hopelessness. You know the very reason I type in this is to express my feelings and the only timr I think of anything is when I'm at work not when I'm sitting at the computer. I truely don't know what is going to happen on Monday but I do know that Bill hasen't fired me yet, maybe Monday, who knows I trurely think that the brady is getting to me. I also know that I won't stop thinking about this till Monday. What will happen, maybe Bill will be human and understand why I did as I did and forgive me or at the least not hold it against me, which isn't very likely I'm afraid. So till then good night Journel till tomarrow.
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Monday, March 3, 2008
March 3/93
Dear Journel,
Dispite the fact I haven't typed in this I have need this Journel.
As regards my last entry, things have gotten worse. Victor hasen't phoned to apologised to me, in fact I have only gotten one obsseen phone call in the middle ofthe day. Anntte thinks I'm stupid and I honestly think I have lost a friend ship with Victor, for good. This may not seem like alot but I don't have that manz frj__Y___jd$D_¦"hT_d-_bl-m__K_KhN+_Y_MY__JY+Y¦_G_K+_Y__JI_J+¦_J__NZ+KhNJ_+_HG_
K_YK_MY__JYJMZNt
(This entry was cut off due to a bad sector on the floppy)
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Dispite the fact I haven't typed in this I have need this Journel.
As regards my last entry, things have gotten worse. Victor hasen't phoned to apologised to me, in fact I have only gotten one obsseen phone call in the middle ofthe day. Anntte thinks I'm stupid and I honestly think I have lost a friend ship with Victor, for good. This may not seem like alot but I don't have that manz frj__Y___jd$D_¦"hT_d-_bl-m__K_KhN+_Y_MY__JY+Y¦_G_K+_Y__JI_J+¦_J__NZ+KhNJ_+_HG_
K_YK_MY__JYJMZNt
(This entry was cut off due to a bad sector on the floppy)
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